Some Things I Learned in the Debate Last Night, But Wish I Hadn’t
Presidential debates often reveal information I had not known before. Last night was no exception — sort of.
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Wednesday, September 11, 2024
Presidential debates are like porno for political geeks – a guilty pleasure to be indulged every four years. The Conventional Wisdom is that they do not change the outcome of an election – Hillary Clinton, for instance, “won” her three 2016 debates with Donald Trump but still fell to the dreaded Electoral College bias.
Sometimes, though, a debate clearly affects the outcome of an election. Exhibit A for now and evermore will be Joe Biden’s implosion during his June 27 debate with Donald Trump, which led directly to his resigning from the ticket to be replaced by Kamala Harris.
It’s too early to tell, but Exhibit B may be Donald Trump’s meltdown last night. Vice President Harris showed up large and in charge and dominated the debate while Trump was reduced to fuming about dogs and cats in Ohio and the size of his … crowds.
Donald Trump: “First let me respond as to the rallies. She said people start leaving. People don't go to her rallies. There's no reason to go. And the people that do go, she's busing them in and paying them to be there. And then showing them in a different light. So, she can't talk about that. People don't leave my rallies. We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.”
Sheesh.
She by contrast, looked sharp and articulate, and by and large stayed on message. She also trolled Donald Trump to his face, while he could not even bear to look at her or mention her by name (she was “she” or “her” all evening). She got him off balance by walking up to him and introducing herself (they had never met), something he was clearly not prepared for (but should have been -- D’Oh!).
One of the reasons I enjoy watching watch presidential debates is that I learn about the daily lives and the hopes and dreams of my fellow Americans. With that in mind, here are ten things I learned in the debate last night, but wish I hadn’t.
Kamala Harris was raised by a single mother in a middle-class family. That’s why she cares about middle-class people like you. She felt obliged to make that point several times during the evening.
In at least one benighted town in the past-its-prime-but-electorally-important state of Ohio, wild packs of roving immigrants are kidnapping dogs and cats off the front porches of little old ladies and cooking them for dinner. Kamala Harris knows each of these immigrants personally.
The head of the Taliban in Afghanistan is named Abdul. Although Abdul cannot read or write, he knows enough of the modern world to understand that Donald Trump is the guy you want to negotiate with if you’re trying to expel the Americans from your country. Abdul is very afraid of Donald Trump.
For several years, Joe Biden had an affair with the wife of the former mayor of Moscow. As a token of her affection for Joe, she gave $3.5 million to his son, Hunter. He may have used it to buy a Tesla Cybertruck, but now denies it.
In some states – exclusively run by Democrats – babies can be killed after they are born, at the discretion of the government. This includes either West Virginia or Virginia, it’s unclear: “Just look at the governor, former governor of Virginia. The governor of Virginia said we put the baby aside and then we determine what we want to do with the baby.”
Crime around the world has dropped precipitously in recent years. Data experts have traced this decline to the departure of millions of rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robber from foreign countries to the southern border of the U.S., where they have been personally welcomed and served cookies by Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.
In prisons around America, illegal immigrants are undergoing gender reassignment surgery because the Biden-Harris Administration promotes it. This is known as a trifecta: illegal immigrants + prison + transgender slander, and counts for extra points on your Political Scrabble board.
Kamala Harris has a plan to take away your guns. She also has a plan to defund the police and, while she’s at it, ban fracking. She denies she has any such plans, but we know what’s going on here.
In 2020, Donald Trump got more votes than any incumbent president in history – over 74 million. The fact that Joe Biden got 81 million votes in that election can only be explained by fraud and chicanery, the likes of which you have never seen before.
On January 6, 2021, Donald Trump insisted that his followers march to the Capitol “peacefully and patriotically,” which they did. The injuries to 140 Capitol police officers that day, and the unprecedented damage to the building itself, were merely coincidental.
When it was all over, a little bit of extra news occurred. A pop music star named (checks notes) Swift Taylor Taylor Swift endorsed Kamala Harris and Tim Walz after the debate. She is apparently a childless cat lady well known among the younger generation.
A typical childless cat lady.
As a public service to my readers during this election season, here is a calendar of major election dates in Texas. (h/t Lone Star Left’s Newsletter)
October 7: Last day to register to vote.
October 21: First day to early vote.
October 25: Last day to apply for a mail-in ballot.
November 1: Last day to early vote.
November 5: Election day!
The last time I heard an old man raving about people kidnapping and eating household pets, he was carted off to the State Hospital.
When watching the debate I thought I heard trump say that immigrants were eating dogs, cats and "parrots" (instead of pets). Of course I was shocked. What was next I wondered? Parakeets, cockatiels, finches, macaws? And why stop there? What about the fish tanks? Immigrants gulping down guppies, gourami, tetras and angelfish? They'll empty out the pet population of Springfield, Ohio, then on to Dayton, Columbus. We all know that the immigrants breed like rabbits; oh, which they eat as well. How can we stop this scourge from gorging on our precious others? Only one man stands in the way of this pet chewing pestilence. A man of convictions, about 34 or so. A man who, when he stands, has two additional inches of elevation from which to survey the vast problems we face. A man who doesn't let the wind blow his thoughts every whichaway, the thoughts that seep up beneath and affix his golden-maned crown. This is the man we need to support. Before he needs a walker and can do it himself. I would utter his name but you know it. I only let such a pronouncement leave my lips when I hit my thumb with a hammer or my toe strikes the side table. Or, I see him on TV.