“Something’s Stuck in My (Mc)Craw:” A Texas Farce in Three Acts

A new play in three acts, in which the Mayor and the Governor combine to reduce crime in Austin … and try to outsmart each other in the meantime.

Jul 18, 2023

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Tuesday, July 18, 2023

This is an unusual installment of Life Its Ownself. It takes a form I’ve never tried before: a play. It just seemed like the best way to tell the story I wanted to tell. Please let me know what you think.

“Something’s Stuck in my (Mc)Craw:”

A Texas Farce in Three Acts

Dramatis Personae

WATSON, the once and current Mayor of Austin, with 13 years as a state senator in between

GARZA, a longtime city government administrator, now ‘acting’ city manager

CHACON, chief of the Austin Police Department (APD)

CITY COUNCIL, a Greek Chorus whose concern for the people is exceeded only by their self-interest

REPORTER, a member of the dwindling Fourth Estate

LAWYER, a representative of community and criminal justice reform groups

ABBOTT, the Governor of Texas

SYCOPHANTS, fungible functionaries in the Governor’s Office

McCRAW, the crafty head of the Department of Public Safety (DPS), a state agency whose size and budget has more than doubled during his tenure

ACT I, Scene 1 – Watson’s Mayoral Office, mid-February 2023

(WATSON, GARZA, and CHACON sit at a table)

WATSON: Any progress on getting a police contract?

GARZA: I dunno. I just got here.

CHACON: Let me catch you up …

(singing)

Our police are a treasured asset

But City Council blew a gasket

After the murder of George Floyd

And changed the way we are deployed

And canceled three cadet classes

And now the shortage kicks our asses.

The union wants a four-year contract

But the Council wants one less than half that.

In May the citizens will vote

And then we’ll know which way to go.

It will take some time to correct this

But now we lack 300 to protect us.

WATSON: (singing)

I love our police, and their union strong

(which has supported me all along)

It also gives to councilmembers

Who take their money and then remember

To cut the union slack whenever

It’s time to hold the cops accountable

Whene’er they are irresponsible

(pounds the table)

But now this sh*t is serious

We really need their help on this!

GARZA: Maybe we should show them we’ve got options, too. You know, bring in some ringers. Are Pinkerton Detectives still around?

CHACON: That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Where would you get ringers from? Killeen? Bellmead?

WATSON: Hmmmm … My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

ACT I, Scene 2 – Governor’s Office, Texas Capitol Building, March

(ABBOTT, McCRAW and SYCOPHANTS gather around a table.)

ABBOTT: I just got off the phone with Mayor Watson. He wants our help with policing the streets while they surmount their police union difficulties.

SYCOPHANTS: (laughing) What a fool! Doesn’t he know how much you hate Austin?

ABBOTT: Yes, but …

(breaks into song)

Don’t you see? Don’t you see?

They’ve come groveling to me!

I sneer at them. I put them down.

I despise their liberal little town –

The hippies and the techies,

The professors and the Trekkies,

They all think they’re cool and smarter

They rue the ways I make life harder

For their fellow Texans. Now’s my chance

To mock them for their arrogance

And make them eat some humble pie

Before they’re overrun with crime.

ACT I, Scene 3 – Austin City Hall Press Room, March 27

(WATSON, GARZA, CHACON and McCRAW are at a podium)

WATSON: Today I’m announcing a “partnership” with the DPS, thanks to Governor Greg Abbott, who really, really cares about the people of Austin. The DPS will assign a hundred officers to patrol Austin’s streets to assist the APD in some high-crime areas and with traffic stops. It’s such a great idea that nobody knows about it except Garza and me.

GARZA: This will help us meet the temporary staffing shortage we have, and address the rampant, “Mogadishu” level of crime that no one except Fox News Austin seems to have noticed!

REPORTER: So, these DPS officers will be operating under the command and control of the APD?

CHACON: Well, I wouldn’t go that far …

GARZA: We wouldn’t go that far.

McCRAW: No comment.

REPORTER: But you will be working in close coordination with the APD?

CHACON: Yes, that’s my plan.

GARZA: Yes, that’s our plan.

McCRAW: No comment.

REPORTER: How long with this last? When will it end?

CHACON: Soon!

GARZA: Soon!

REPORTER: How soon?

GARZA, CHACON and

WATSON (unison) Real soon!

LAWYER: (In a corner, over the hubbub)

This didn’t work in Dallas. Beware of statewide elected officials bearing gifts!

Later, in the same room:

CITY COUNCIL: This is the first we’ve heard of this!

Normally that would leave us pissed.

But like the cock atop the vane

We’ll look to Kirk, and what his train

Of thought has wrought!

ACT II, Scene 1 – City Council Chambers, City Hall, April 14

(CHACON and McCRAW are talking to City Council)

CHACON: (singing)

The Dee Pee Ess has cut a quarter of our crime rate!

The Dee Pee Ess has made our city truly great!

CITY COUNCIL: (joining the singing)

The Dee Pee Ess has cut a quarter of our crime rate!

The Dee Pee Ess has made our city truly great!

WATSON: (in a corner, to GARZA)

This is my greatest idea ever!

I think it’s time to take the measure

For the statue that will honor me.

It must be taller than SRV’s!

GARZA: But some say there are reports of racial profiling.

WATSON: Don’t worry! Listen to the people sing!

THE PEOPLE: (shamelessly ripping off Jesus Christ Superstar)

Ho-sanna, Hey-sanna, sanna, sanna haw

Sanna-hey, Sanna-haw, McCraw!

Hey there, Steve! Hey there, Steve! You’re all right by me

Sanna-hey, Sanna-haw, Steve McCraw!

WATSON: Boy, that escalated quickly!

ACT II, Scene 2 – Watson’s Mayoral Office, late April

(WATSON, GARZA, and CHACON are meeting with LAWYER)

LAWYER: We’re receiving lots of complaints about racial profiling by the DPS.

WATSON: I am sure all these concerns are overblown. The DPS is our partner.

LAWYER: 90% of all misdemeanor arrests by DPS are people of color.

WATSON: Woof! That doesn’t sound good at all. Is that right, Joe?

CHACON: We asked them to patrol high-crime areas. It turns out the high-crime areas are demographically …

WATSON and

GARZA (unison): SAY NO MORE!!!

ACT II, Scene 3 – City Council Chambers, City Hall, mid-May

(A City Council meeting)

CITY COUNCIL: This “partnership” is two months old

A concept that was very bold

To bring a “surge” of DPS

To neighborhoods in great distress

The first results seemed pretty spiffy

But now it’s looking pretty iffy

Some neighborhoods are pretty happy

But some are feeling pretty crappy

Our leaders cannot tell us how

The DPS polices now

We knew back then the chance we’d take

That we’d invited in a snake

ACT II, Scene 4 – City Council Chambers, City Hall, July 12

(Tension as the City Council hears public testimony)

REPORTER: A DPS officer shot a man after a high-speed chase!

LAWYER: Another one pointed a gun at a 10-year old boy! It’s an outrage! The community is enraged!

GARZA: This is serious. Let’s hope there’s body- and dash-cam video to confirm the story ^[i] before we make any rash decisions.

CITY COUNCIL: (in unison)

When a child it has endangered,

The DPS must become strangers!

When the voters are offended

The partnership must be ended.

WATSON: Yes, it’s time. This has been going south for a while.

I will call the Governor and let him know we wish to end our mutual partnership that he entered into only at my request and under my terms and conditions and will surely end as soon as I ask him to.

(breaking into song)

I will give the Guv a ring,

And remind him how this whole darn thing

Was my idea, and he agreed

To help as long as we had need

And then withdraw when we were done

And vanish with their cars and guns

And thank us for making them a part

Of this governmental work of art.

ACT III, Scene 1 – Governor’s Office, Texas Capitol, July 12

McCRAW: Watson just called to cancel our partnership with APD that gave us a police presence in Austin.

SYCOPHANTS: What will we do now? Pull out?

ABBOTT: (singing)

The Mayor is a clever man

He bargained for the upper hand

He wanted to decide the fate

Of our “partnership” so great.

He must have thought we’d disappear

Whenever he got bored, it’s clear.

But, the fool, he did not see

The goals I had in mind for me –

To shame and to humiliate

The most liberal city in the state.

Let them embrace this cruel fate:

Their leaders cannot keep them safe.

(to McCRAW)

And so, dear Steve, I you implore

Leave all your men; in fact, add more!

Act now! No time to hesitate,

And do not deign to cooperate.

ACT III, Scene 2 – Watson’s Mayoral Office, July 14

WATSON, GARZA, and CHACON are gathered around a conference table.

WATSON: What just happened to us?

(Fade to black)

I’ve included the following CASTING SUGGESTIONS. Where it exists, I’ve identified a Texas nexus with an *. Got any better ideas for casting? Leave them in the comments.

MAYOR: ~~Dabney Coleman~~ Randy Quaid *

GARZA: Edward James Olmos *

CHACON: Pedro Pascal *

McCRAW: Tommy Lee Jones *

REPORTER: Selena Gomez *

CITY COUNCIL: The Austin City Council *

LAWYER: John David Washington

ABBOTT: ~~Dame Helen Mirren~~ Jim Parsons *

^[i] SPOILER: The body-cam and dash-cam video disprove the boy’s allegation.