Signalgate, Part Two
A “Deep State” national security professional warns: these guys are even dumber than they look. Happy April Fool's Day!
Welcome to another installment of Life Its Ownself. This is Part Two of a two-part essay on the festering failure of national security known as Signalgate. I am publishing it on April Fool’s Day — I think you will find that appropriate, given the revelations to be discussed.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2025
Quote of the Day:
“I went home with a waitress the way I always do
How was I to know she was with the Russians, too?”
Warren Zevon, “Lawyers, Guns and Money”
When I find myself in times of trouble, Vinnie Lamponero comes to me. Vinnie is a member of what used to be called “the Deep State,” buried away in one of those three-lettered agencies so deeply that Elon Musk and his Pimply Brigade have yet to find him.
Which is good for America, and good for you, my dear Readers, although not always for the same reasons.
From time to time, Vinnie is kind enough to explain the inner workings of the federal government to me on, shall we say, an “informal” basis. When Signalgate exploded on the scene last week, I reached out to Vinnie. Oddly enough, our long-preferred means of communication is the newly infamous Signal app. I asked him to call and share his thoughts, or at least violate protocol in some way. All week, I did not hear back.
Until Sunday morning. Vinnie called from an undisclosed location. He said he was in a coffee ship in the D.C. suburbs, eating a fried egg sandwich and drinking his third cup of coffee. I was eating a slice of Mary Elizabeth Chapman’s fabulous cinnamon bread and drinking my second Bloody Mary of the day. (They go together surprisingly well.)
(If you can find better loaf of cinnamon bread than Mary Chapman’s – buy it!)
Our conversation below is lightly edited for clarity and national security needs.
Life Its Ownself: Vinnie, what in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?
Vinnie Lamponero: Well, this is a certified, USDA-Grade A clusterfuck. We had a plan, and these guys fouled it up so bad it’s a miracle we haven’t been invaded by Denmark yet.
LIO: Why did they let a journalist onto the chat?
VL: That’s what I’m saying – these guys couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat. The whole Signal chat was a setup, designed to get rid of Tulsi Gabbard, but Waltz screwed it up when he invited Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic instead of Jamieson Greer, the U.S. Trade Representative. Once he’d done that, the horse was out of the barn and we just had to ride it out.
LIO: So, you were listening in on the Signal chat group from the beginning?
VL: [REDACTED] The Chinese, the Russians and a bridge club in Moorhead, Minnesota probably were, too.
LIO: Why were you trying to get rid of Tulsi Gabbard?
VL: She’s a Russian asset, for Chrissake! Since at least 2022, she has been [REDACTED]. The Russians could not believe they got Trump to name her DNI, or the spineless Senate to confirm her. Deep in the Kremlin, it’s considered the counterintelligence coup of the century.
LIO: Why would Trump appoint someone like her?
VL: For the same reasons as many of his other appointments. I call them the “Specials Ks” – kompromat, kickbacks and kakistocracy.
LIO: Why the attack on the Houthi bases? To catch her doing something?
VL: Dude, we’ve been waging covert war on the Houthis for a decade. The attack was just to be next in a series. But we know the Russians are very interested in our messing with them – remember, the Houthis are a Russian client via the Iranians. We were hoping to catch Gabbard forwarding the information to her Kremlin contacts and use it against her later.
By the way, guess what she uses to contact them?
LIO: No …
VL: That’s right, Signal. (laughs)
LIO: How is it so much national security business is transacted with Signal? Isn’t it unsecure?
VL: Sure it is, but these guys are idiots. They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. You have to understand, they’re not scared that the Russians or the Chinese will know what they’re up to; they’re worried about the Adam Schiffs and Jamie Raskins in the Congress. None of that “records retention” bullshit for them. So, they conduct all their business on private or burner phones instead of the systems the taxpayers pay billions of dollars for. It’s crazy, but the orders come straight from the top.
LIO: What do you mean by that?
VL: I’m saying, to the extent the President even understands these security issues, he knows one thing: he hates Schiff and Raskin more than he hates the Russians.
LIO: So, what happens next? Does everyone just get away with it?
VL: Look, they’re in a lot of trouble. You’ve got the sheer idiocy of the group chat. You’ve got the larger issue of unsecure apps and private phones being used to conduct state business. You have the lying to Congress, although no one seems to care about that anymore. Oh, and you’ve got the war crimes.
LIO: What war crimes?
VL: They killed one of their targets when he was in his girlfriend’s apartment. I guess he wasn’t waiting around for his 72 virgins. Anyway, they brought down an entire building of civilians to kill him. That kind of stuff is frowned upon in the civilized world, not that these guys give a fuck.
LIO: So, what happens now? Will they get away with it?
VL: We’ll see. The Executive Office (of the President) is spooked. A poll last Tuesday showed 60% of Republicans, and 74% of all Americans, thought Signalgate was a serious, or very serious, fuck-up problem. They figured they had a week to defuse the bomb or get blown up in the special elections on Tuesday [Ed.: today]. Worst case scenario, their House majority shrinks to one. Then Signalgate is the least of their problems.
LIO: Will anyone be held accountable?
VL: If the problems won’t go away, they’ll have to throw somebody in the volcano. But you think Susie Wiles will do the right thing? She was on the chat group; her hands are dirty.
LIO: Doesn’t it bother you, as an intelligence professional, to see such risks taken with our nation’s secrets?
VL: Sure, it pisses me off royally. (starts choking on egg sandwich, gulps down some coffee) But I just do my job and let the chips lay where they fall. You know who else thought they were the smartest guys ever? Hamilton Jordan. Ollie North. Dick Cheney. Now it’s J.D. Vance and Stephen Miller. Everybody thinks they can tame the beast.
LIO: Vinnie, this is very depressing. Well, thanks anyway for talking with me.
VL: What? I didn’t talk with you. Must have been some other guy.
LIO: Well, thanks anyway.
VL: Fuhgeddaboudit.
For me it all goes back to carte blanche recklessness because of guaranteed future presidential pardons. These goons, these vile, cult-y defilers of law and decency, have no threat of federal punishment. I even thought, in the most cynical crevices of my withering brain, that the invitation in Signal to Jeffrey Goldberg was a planned taunt / ploy / demonstration of authoritarian Teflon-coating against criminality that would have destroyed any other cabinet appointees in any other administration. Like it was a giant middle finger and distraction to us all while they hustled off more immigrants without due process. But whatever, don't ascribe to malice ... blah blah ... incompetence.
I never day-drank before the inauguration. Have mercy on my liver. May the states gather enough evidence for some kind of prosecutorial blitz. Tell Vinnie to make things happen in three-letter acronym land.
A bit blasé, considering, but so it goes. We all have skin in this game. Mars is not an option for the masses.