I’m Running for Congress!

I had not fully appreciated how little reality I needed to include in my résumé to run for Congress! And at $174,000 a year, it’s a pretty sweet gig if you can get it.

(Welcome to the first installment of Life Its Ownself of 2023. If you enjoy reading it, please let me know by 1) hitting the Like button at the bottom, 2) subscribing to this newsletter, and 3) recommending it to others. Also, feel free to comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts.)

January 3, 2023

         Today the 118th Congress is being sworn in under the stately Capitol dome in Washington, D.C. The dome is dominated by the beautiful fresco The Apotheosis of Washington, but Washington placed a brown paper bag over his head after what happened on January 6th and has only now removed it.

Washington, now visible again in the dome of the Capitol.

         At noon, the U.S. House and Senate will gavel in, swear in their new members (all 435 in the House, 33 in the Senate) and then proceed to select the leaders of their respective chambers. The Senate Majority Leader, who runs the show in that chamber, will still be Chuck Schumer (D-NY). The House seems inclined, but not fully ready, to select Andrew McCarthy (R-CA) as Speaker, assuming he can fend off various rebels in his caucus. The only excitement today will be if the Speaker is not elected on the first ballot, the first time that will have happened since 1923.

         Undoubtedly the most impressive new member of this Congress is NY Republican and Marco Rubio stunt double George Santos, whose outlandish résumé and suspicious financial self-dealings have, so far, provoked not the slightest reprimand from anyone in a position to call bullshit on his prevarications. He will now be Congressman Santos, even though no one can assure us he’s not a sleeper agent of Vladimir Putin, George Soros or, God forbid, Kanye West.

         In a sane universe, this sketchy congressman-elect and Horatio Sanz impersonator would have resigned his seat before assuming it or at least withheld taking the oath of office until questions about his qualifications and credibility could be resolved. But this is not a sane universe and Kevin McCarthy, whose lifelong dream of being Speaker now hangs by the most gossamer of threads, is counting on Santos to be the last filament that gets him the gavel.

         And in fairness to American democracy, he was elected fair and square in November. The people of the Third Congressional District of New York have a perfect right to select a cheat and a charlatan as their congresscritter. To paraphrase the great Texas solon Carl Parker, if you got rid of all the frauds in the Congress it wouldn’t be a representative body anymore.

         I personally think that Santos just got out over his skis when he was concocting his campaign biography and then, much to his astonishment, won. The problem with that theory is that he also concocted at least $700,000 in small, unmarked bills which he loaned to his campaign, possibly illegally. Santos now faces the unhappy prospect of multiple investigations into his finances.

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         I frequently harbor the wish that I could get elected to public office. Usually, I take a couple Tylenol and try to get some bed rest. But what opportunity could be greater than to serve in the U.S. Congress? Everyone would call me “Congressman” in the most deferential of tones. I could habitate three nights a week in Washington, D.C., a city of southern efficiency and northern charm. I could spend the first decade of my tenure taking orders from party leaders, caucus chairs and committee bosses who haven’t even bothered to learn my name. I could embrace the challenge of having to raise thousands of dollars every day from sleazy lobbyists for reprehensible causes to fund my re-election efforts.

I am handicapped, however, by being a real person who has lived a somewhat public life. Many of you reading this actually know me. Anyone can verify that I graduated from certain schools, that I have certain professional licenses, and that I served in a variety of capacities in and around Texas state government for 30 years. And so, depending on whether you like every elected official I worked with, every initiative I was part of, or every decision I made in those years, you may not want to vote for me.

Thus, I’ve decided to create a tabula rasa, as it were, to give myself an opportunity to earn your vote unburdened by the actual reality of who I am. And so, today I am proud to announce my candidacy for Congress in a district yet to be determined.

I am just your typical extraordinary Millennial. In high school I was captain of the debate club and the football team, both of which won the 6-A state championship. I went to Harvard on a Navy scholarship. After graduation I became a Naval aviator and was assigned to NOAA, where I flew into the middle of the most dangerous hurricanes on record and once, on a dare, taxied my Boeing E-3 AWACS through a Whataburger drive-in. When the Iraq War started – the second one, not the dry run, old chap – I flew helicopters and was personally responsible for preventing the destruction of hundreds of oil wells.

After the war, I went to medical school, eventually becoming a world-renowned surgeon and the author of an important treatise on streptothricosis. I have consulted on any number of groundbreaking medical cases, including the experimental procedure that removed the last vestiges of Ted Cruz’s shame.

         I’ve had only one run-in with the law. I was accused in the sensational murder of Gregory Fitzhurst. In spite of damning circumstantial evidence, and my own testimony that I could have shot him at 100 yards with either hand, the jury acquitted me. After they handed down the verdict, they asked to take a group picture with me, and every year we have a reunion on the anniversary of my acquittal.

         I have been very successful in business with an unnamed firm that does venture capital investment banking multi-level marketing. I live in a luxurious mansion in West Lake Hills Plugerville Georgetown with my third second wife and my [insert number here] children.

         I expect to run an honest, transparent campaign that takes the truth of my résumé for granted and focuses on my all-American values and positions on issues that affect the People. I expect the Fake Media (I am looking at you, Lomi Kriel) to respect my privacy during this difficult time when I am running for Congress. I will rely on small-dollar donations to fund my campaign, although I have loaned myself one million dollars from a previously undisclosed inheritance I received yesterday.  

         Even before the formal announcement of my candidacy, I have received the endorsements of the NRA and Everytown for Gun Safety, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the AFL-CIO, and Donald Trump and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Trust me when I tell you this.

         I will agree to debate my opponents, whomever they may be, with the condition that nothing about my qualifications be brought up during the debate. It’s time to end the politics of personal destruction, and I look forward to a lively and vigorous exchange on the issues.

         My name is Walter Mitty and I approve this message.