Greg Abbott Breaks a Sweat

The Uvalde Massacre and its aftermath knocked Greg Abbott off his re-election game plan. In this previously nonexistent document, he discusses the campaign with his Svengali, Dave Carney.

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Ed. Note: My friend “Vinnie Lamponero” works in … well, let’s say, the bowels of the Deep State. He deals with what they call “signals intelligence.” From time to time he shares little tidbits of information that come across his desktop, in the hope they’ll amuse me and pay me back for certain favors I did for him a long time ago. He’s given me permission to share this transcript with you. This transcript is almost a month old because of the time it took at transcribe the monitored phone call and distribute it to evaluators, then to Vinnie, then to me.

July 19, 2022: Greg Abbott talks to his campaign consultant David Carney after a Texas House committee issued a report that was highly critical of law enforcement confusion and inaction in Uvalde.  

ABBOTT:   This report on the Uvalde shooting is bad for us. Goddamn that Phelan! I told him just to hold off until we had “all the facts.” Haha! I figured that would hold him at least until after the election. But Joe Moody was making his life a living hell.

CARNEY:   Our internal polling shows people are horrified, pissed off, and demanding some action about the incompetent police response. Oh, they want you to do something about the guns, too.

ABBOTT:   Well, who’d have guessed we had 61 DPS officers there, standing around with their thumbs up their asses!? We knew the local police and county mounties were a bunch of amateurs, but the DPS? Why were there so many of them in godforsaken Uvalde, anyway?

CARNEY:   Operation Lone Star. You know, your “border security surge.”

ABBOTT:   Oh, right. Shit.

CARNEY:   Greg, this is a good opportunity for you to be “gubernatorial.” Go back down to Uvalde, attend a memorial service, hug a few grandmas …

ABBOTT:   Are you kidding?? Those people would tear me limb from limb. They think I lied to them deliberately, when all I did was pass on the lies all those suck-ups were telling me in the briefing. Since when am I supposed to be accountable for other peoples’ lies?

I even released my notes like you suggested, but I guess they want the Governor to “exercise independent leadership” or some nonsense like that. I’ve got my press people leaking stories about how I make clandestine visits down there to meet with and comfort families. Complete b.s., but it freezes the media in place.

CARNEY:   OK. Here’s the situation. We’re 97 days out from the beginning of early voting. Beto’s getting some news coverage and maybe a little traction, but when push comes to shove he’s still trying to hump the elephant. Thank God, the electric grid is holding so far. Every day we don’t have another school shooting is a good day for you.

The bad news: your approval rating is underwater, and Beto’s just outraised you in the last reporting period.  

ABBOTT:   I’m not worried about November. I am worried about the presidential shitshow that will begin the day after that.

CARNEY:   Greg, we’ve got a plan for that, but everything depends on you getting re-elected! Don’t take your eyes off the ball.  

(very serious) Look, we can still lose this thing. I’m telling you, Greg, you have to do something about hardening schools or raising the age to buy guns or something!!

                  (silence as both men contemplate this)

(guffawing) JUST KIDDING! You don’t have to do anything – that’s your brand: Doing nothing.

ABBOTT:   (relieved) Damn, you had me scared there for a minute. OK, talk to you later.

(Transcript ends.)