Breaking: U.S. Invades Boquillas, Mexico!

First, Venezuela and now, Boquillas. The Trump Administration’s plan to [plunder the Western Hemisphere] secure our energy future has taken a big step forward.

Welcome to another installment of Life Its Ownself. As we often do, we are reporting to you before the news is on the presses, and not when it is hot off them. And sometimes before it’s even occurred; we are that well-sourced.

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Wednesday, January 7, 2026

This is a transcript of the press conference held this morning at the White House in Washington, D.C.

LEAVITT: Good morning. The President will make a statement, followed by War Secretary Pete Hegseth and Joint Chiefs Chairman General Dan “Raisin’” Caine. By the way, reporters are now required to identify him as “General Raisin’ Caine” for official attribution, and you will be banned from the Pantagon for failure to do so.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.

TRUMP: This morning, in a daring predawn raid, elements of Seal Team Six supported by the Utah National Guard … you know, I really like Utah, they have been very supportive of me, I won that state by 50 points in 2020. And their Senator, Bill Lee, is a very good friend of mine, we’re doing some cryptocurrency deals together … (unintelligible)

(returning to prepared remarks) Seal Team Six and the National Guard invaded … (pause) Bow-Quill-Ass, Mexico, and seized oil reserves that are vital to the United States. The operation was an overwhelming show of force by our great military, the likes of which the world has never seen, really, a beautiful military, just tremendous. What Joe Biden left us for a military was a disgrace, with all its woke doctrines and out-of-shape leaders. None of them looked good on Fox News … (unintelligible)

(returning to prepared remarks) The armed forces and police units of (pause) Bow-Quill-Ass were subdued very quickly by the overwhelming power of our fighting men. I will turn this over to Pete Hegseth and Raisin’ Caine for more details, but this is another great day for America and its oil companies.

HEGSETH: Under my leaderhip, the War Department has become the most lethal fighting force in the history of the world. It may have almost been that for the last 80 years, but now it really is that. We have the men – beautiful, glorious men with chiseled abs and steely eyes – and the equipment and technology to project lethality anywhere around the world, and everywhere around the world simultaneously. We can project lethality one week in Venezuela, and then another week in Mexico, without having to dip into our Strategic Lethality Reserves.

Let me turn it over to General Dan “Raisin’” Caine, who was the operational leader of the mission. Dan and I have enjoyed working together, planning missions and taking a sauna after our daily handball game … (unintelligble)

CAINE: First of all, I want to thank the brave men of our armed forces, who planned and executed this mission to perfection. The United States military is the most lethal fighting force in the history of the world and, thanks to President Trump, has seen a new burst of esprit de corps and off-budget funding.

The operation commenced this morning at 6:00 a.m., and was executed with precision and competence. Men from Seal Team Six first seized the rowboat that controlled access and egress to the target … (general uproar, many voices shouting)

REPORTER: Did you say “rowboat?” Singular?

CAINE: Yes, singular. That rowboat, although seemingly unimpressive, was the key to the town’s defenses. Neutralizing it was a critical mission objective that prevented further loss of life. Specifically, we had no idea if the man who had operated the rowboat for decades, known as “Captain Pablo,” was still in charge. We were relieved to find a couple of disaffected teenagers, who were easily subdued by Seal Team Six.

Next, our brave soldiers captured six donkeys, the bulk of the town’s rapid response capability and mass transit capacity. Once they were securely hobbled, units of the Utah National Guard assumed control of them. I would like to thank the Utah National Guard for the competence and bravery with which they supported the military’s mission, and managed to stay out of the way of the kicking hooves of those donkeys. War is hell.

Next, elements of Seal Team Six proceeded into Boquillas proper, where they attacked and secured the town’s Strategic Oil Reserves. We met no resistance from the natives, who were largely peaceable and drowsy, having been awakened by all the uproar. I assure you, though, they recognized lethality in our fighting force when they saw it.

By 7:15 a.m., the town and its oil reserves were securely under our control, where they will remain at the discretion of the Commander in Chief.

LEAVITT: Thank you, General Caine. We will now take questions.

REPORTER: Where exactly in Mexico is Boquillas?

TRUMP: That’s a nasty question, from a failing reporter at a fake news network. And you are ugly, too. Do you own research. Next question.

REPORTER: Was the government of Mexico informed of the operation in advance?

TRUMP: No. President Sheinbaum, with whom I have a good relation, has not been very kind to me recently. Melania says she has the hots for me, but she says that about all world leaders, especially Vladimir … (pause, unintelligible whispering)

Anyway, President Sheinbaum did not sign the petition for me to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, and she ignored my suggestion that she do something about the way she pulls back her hair. Really, there’s a lot she could do to look better, and I’ve recommended some excellent Palm Beach plastic surgeons, but she won’t listen. Besides, Mexico’s economy is heating up, which is entirely because of thermal conduction from being next door to the hottest country in the world, which is the U.S.A. under me, Donald Trump, although I never get any credit for it.

I did ask Secretary of State Rubio to call and brief her after the operation, but he cannot understand her Mexican Spanish.

REPORTER: Exactly how much oil was seized from the Boquillas Strategic Oil Reserves?

CAINE: We still do not have a full accounting, but our soldiers are working to measure and catalog everything we seized. We weren’t certain about the oil reserves but the enchiladas verde had five stars on Yelp so we knew our mission was not without value. The oil reserves turned out to be a bonus. I can share this photographic evidence of the reserves as they were “liberated” by our fine, lethal American military.

REPORTER: Were there any injuries or loss of life?

CAINE: There was no loss of life. However, one soldier sprained his ankle and we lost one of our Zodiac boats when its bottom tore out. Apparently, our intel about the depth of the Rio Grande River at that point was faulty.

These losses were regrettable, but they in no way weaken our resolve to be the most lethal fighting force in the history of the world, which, as noted earlier, we have already been for at least 80 years.

LEAVITT: No further questions. Thank you.

## 30 ##

Life will never be the same for the people of Boquillas.