BREAKING: Religious leaders debate Ukraine

… and the Archangel Michael has to knock some heads.

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My friend Vinnie Lamponero works in … well, let’s say the Deep State. From time to time he shares little tidbits of information that come across his desktop. He’s given me permission to share this document with you.

TRANSCRIPT

Zoom Conference Call

Tuesday, March 1, 2022, 10:00 a.m. GMT

(Lightly edited for clarity)

MICHAEL:     All right, everyone, let’s begin. Thank you for participating in the call on such short notice.

As you know, I am the Archangel Michael, First Among Angels, Defender of the Faith, Prince of the Heavenly Host, and Patron Saint of the Chicago Bulls. Let’s have everybody introduce themselves.

David:            Hello, I’m David Lau. I am the Chief Rabbi of the Ashkenazi Jews. (several “gesundheits” and “bless yous”) Ha ha, very funny.

Mirza:             Greetings! I am Mirza Masroor Ahmad, the Fifth Caliph of the Messiah and the leader of all Sunni Muslims.

Ali:                 Hi, y’all, it’s me, Ali Khamenei, calling in from Tehran. I speak for all the Shi’a Muslims. Sorry, but I have to leave in a few minutes. Mirza can speak for me. Of course, don’t tell anyone I said he could. (general laughter)

Benedict:        Guten Morgen, everyone. I am Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, sitting in for Pope Francis, who is … busy.

David:            Hey, Benedict, it’s none of my business, but why are you always on these calls instead of Francis? I mean, for like years, man. Did you even tell him about these when you resigned?

Benedict:        Uhh …

Michael:         Umm, that’s a very interesting question, David, but we have a very full agenda today, so how about if I put that on next month’s agenda?

David:            Whatever.

Franklin:         Hello, everyone, I am Franklin Graham, representing evangelical Christians everywhere, but particularly in the United States. I was called to the ministry when my father, Billy …

Michael:         Franklin, I think we’ve all heard your “called to the ministry” story before, so let’s move on.

The purpose of this call is to discuss the deranged comments Pat Robertson made on The 700 Club last week. Franklin, I thought you guys had him locked up.

Right Wing Watch @RightWingWatch

Pat Robertson came out of retirement to claim that Putin "is being compelled by God" to invade Ukraine in preparation for a massive End Times invasion of Israel.

Franklin:         Yes, well, ratings for The 700 Club have been in the toilet since we “retired” Pat, and so we brought him back to spice things up a little. Frankly, I was hoping he’d slander transgender kids, which is always a ratings winner, and just leave it at that.

Mirza:             Slandering trans kids is always okay, and also the gays. But this apocalypse craziness makes us all look bad.

Franklin:         (defensively) Well, it’s not craziness, if you must know, Mirza. God is using Putin to set the stage for Armageddon, the battle against Israel that will trigger the Second Coming of Christ.

David:            (angry) I wish you and your senile uncle or whatever he is would leave us out of this. We Jews have enough problems without you making us a pawn in your sick Manichean good-versus-evil Armageddon cosplay. Putin is an international war criminal and we don’t want his behavior excused because he’s somehow fulfilling our destiny. We’ll fulfill our destiny on our own, thank you.

Franklin:         But that’s the point – you don’t understand your destiny the way we do.

David:            BINGO!

Michael:         All right, everyone, calm down. I have a message from The Very Top and, believe me, if I have to deliver it to any of you in person, you will regret it as will your children and your children’s children unto the fourth generation.

The Message is this: Knock off the End Times crap. Just say we’re against the war and for more humanitarian relief – and leave it at that. Okay?

(nods and grunts of reluctant agreement)

Michael:         Okay, it’s settled then. I’ll send out an email to everyone who’s not on the call to update them. We’ll have our regular Zoom call next month.

Benedict:        Hey, everybody! Guess what I’m giving up for Lent? Watching The 700 Club!

Franklin:         Go to hell, Bennie!

CALL ENDS.